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| So I had this... dream. It was amazing and I don't know what to say. First it was Danny D and not it's Adam. My mind is doing flips on the side while diving in a bed rock of sediment and nail polish.... truly fucked up.
I dreamt that I was lying in a bed all ready to sleep. I was not in my own bed or room. I guess i was talking to my friend or something because three guys come into the room and it felt as though they were friends of a friend and not just creeps. This one guy, the "leader" of the pack, said something like "oo, a girl in bed" and came toward me. He was amused. I knew that, felt it. Next thing I knew, he was lying right next to me in bed. He was fully clothed, wearing a red shirt, a white shirt underneath and jeans, and he was tall, well groomed and had a bright smile that touched his eyes. We were getting along well. It felt that way. It felt soothing and good to be with him. It felt as though he was mine. I knew that he was. Suddenly I woke up in my dream, as though I fell asleep looking at him. I got up and walked around and found a letter in plastic in another plastic. I took it out and looked at it. It was a single sheet of paper, folded in half with black scribbles all over it. Somehow, I knew it was Adam's letter to me. Somehow, I knew I shouldn't open it or take it out of the plastic. I didn't want to take it out. It's Adam's letter to me. I took it out and slowly unfolded it at the same time I was thinking "don't." I heard "don't!" Suddenly I'm not there anymore. I'm floating in the air, overlooking a gray city. Very bleak. Perhaps fall turning to winter. It felt dry. I've seen this before. It feels familiar in my dream and now as I write this. A few months ago, I had this strange dream of San Francisco and this street reminded me of that, though I have never been to or seen San Francisco except for what was seen on Full House. I don't know if it was even San Francisco. It shouldn't have been because I knew in my dream that the place was cold. I kind of float through the city I guess. I am in a courtyard of some sort now. It's large and spacious. Gray still. I am by a tall metal fence and I turn my head to the right and see the building. It's a dark edifice, gray like everything else, and it appears as though it is important, old. It long and appears short, though it could not be short because people are climbing it right now. Two girls are on the side of it with rock climbing gear on. It starts feeling like I know its a training camp of some sort. A prison even. The girls are climbing up the side of the building. They go sideways to the left first two somethings.... windows, spaces... whatever those somethings are, they are about eight to ten feet sideways. Then they ascend a floor. I think, "they're going to fall. Don't fall. Don't fall." I feel anxious. They go sideways, then ascend a flight. Sideways, ascend. Sideways, ascend. They keep doing it. They are arguing over how to do it. They fall. I'm in shock. I start to feel panicky. Wow. I turn and see Adam on the other side of the fence and he walks around the entrance towards me. I'm confused and comforted. I know he belongs here in this place. He's not a participant, but then what is he? I'm not surprised, just curious. He stands right in front of me and I look up to him. He's so close. Something happens. I don't know what, but something happens. I wake up in my dream. In that unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room. I sort of panic, but I remember Adam. I think to myself that I will see him soon and I feel warm. I wake up for real and I am frightened. Confused. Hopeful.
thats all. | | |
| How can one really diminish their wariness of the suspicious? I am realizing [through a long period of contemplation] that while I feel wary, I may actually be inhibiting myself from seeing clearly. More specifically, I look at something and I am suspicious immediately and then I stop myself from considering, rationally and with an open mind, the possibilities of the other view points on that object, idea, thing, something. How many times have I done this and not really fully comprehend the handicap that I bring to myself, for this is, more than anything else, a handicap that incapacitate my ability to see clearly and analytically before coming to a well-formed, rational and logical conclusion. More oftentimes that not, I think that people harbor suspicions out past experiences and are automatically suspicious when they come across the source or object of their suspicions... just a thought.
thats all.
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| real feelings. i saw my mom cozy-ing up with her partner today and i didn't know what to think. on the one hand, i think he's just a despicable person and so i was repulsed by the scene, while on the other hand, i was comforted by the fact that she had someone as a companion, despite the fact that even up to this day, he does not treat her as well as he should for all that she has done for him. while looking at my father and how he is seemingly creating a relationship that is all one-sided in the first place. a relationship fabricated and based on the idea of paradiso, utopia, the perfect mutual relationship of love.
what are these illusions that we build for ourselves? what are these lies that we tell ourselves that keep us going? how can one have a change a face knowing that wrong has been done to them? what does this say about the human will? the psyche? the mind? what does this, in turn and additionally, say about me and my future? will i seek false comfort of a relationship that may or may not really be there? am i destined to create the image of something that is not there? i am, in all honesty, afraid of what lies before me. what career will i have? will i be financially sound and on track? will i struggle? will i find true friendship and connections in this vast, vast world? will i find a person who can show me an affection and caring that i share mutually? will i be alone in the journey to the end of the world?
i think that one of the many blessings we have as a conscious minds, beings, souls is the ability to contemplate the sense of being. there are so many approaches and so many theories. yet, in the end, we all eat, shit and die. what is left are the legacies we leave behind through actions, words. what is my legacy? i hate that i am more articulate through my fingers than i am through my mouth.
thats all. | | |
| i'm feeling more and more isolated.. perhaps my youth is passing by. i am now unsure of everything... yet i do not care. i'm content with my living in the present, yet unsatisfied with the thought of needing to figure out the rest of my life. i feel as though i made a lot of mistakes in the past that have deprived me of a fuller experience as a "normal" -ish teenager/20 year old/ college student... how sad... i really want to go back and change it. its important to me because i feel as though life is not going the way i want. i hear reassuring words all the time, but that does nothing because it isnt like the anxiety of feeling unaccomplished subsides with a mere pat on the head and words of 'good work'... its simplifying the problem and ignores the complexity of the situation. then again i am also at fault. instead of taking control of this life, i am flowing with the wills of others and now a lot of time have wasted and i cant figure it out right now. i want to do things my way. perhaps i am too caught up in the proper way to do things.. or the rules, and so this stuff is inhibiting me from really flourishing. perhaps i need to let go a bit and stop being an up the ass type of person.. its hard because i will feel as though i will lose control of everything... even if it's the first step toward a more stable everything. | | |
| My father's a good man. He works hard and he loves his family. He's been in the United States for nearly 30 years, over half his life, and he has yet to achieve his dream here. Life has not been well with him. He's been dearly mistreated on many an occasion and that realization makes me question the validity of the system of the "American Dream." How can something so idealistic and positive yield such devastating consequences and effects? It lies to a people and generations of hopefuls that success, wealth, prosperity and happiness are possible within a lifetime, even within a matter of a decade and then some. Yet it hides the ugly and gross realities of race, class and prejudices that have been embedded into society by the government throughout all of society. Additionally, my father has been wronged by the fact that he isn't "really" Chinese. Being an ethnic Chinese man has been his pride, yet the color of his skin has been permanently tanned by the sun and heat of Cambodia, where he spent his childhood and teen years before escaping to Vietnam and then coming to the United States for refuge from war in the early 80s. Add on a divorce, a second marriage to a woman who is unforgiving and ignorant of his pain, family members who do pity his position as the eldest male child, children who do not understand or even want to understand his strife, and an American society that has sought to make sure that he stays in his societal position, what else can he be but the bitter, depressed and angry man that he is.
I make no sense. Gotta get back to work.
Thats all. | | |
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